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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Top 10 Tips for Succeeding in Business



Forget harnessing your "true you" or undertaking a 47 Step Journey to Personal Power. Death Star PR shares the 10 best no nonsense ways to fast track your business career.


10. Suck up to your boss at every available opportunity. Free sports tickets are a good start. Unsolicited back rubs are not.
9. Develop similar interests to those in power, e.g. golf, boating, masochism.


8. Do not hesitate to sell out your friends and co-workers if it will advance your career prospects. They will forgive you/not be able to bring it up without fear of being fired once you become their superior.
7. Avoid actual loyalty to your company at all costs. If the ship ever goes down, be the first on the lifeboat.
6. Don't be afraid to steal credit for other people's ideas. If they were smarter, they would have already told somebody about it by now.
5. Use stair/other miscellaneous workplace "accidents" to your advantage. They can't fight for that promotion if they're fighting for their life in hospital!
4. If confronted with a question outside of your field of expertise (i.e. sports, Farmville, being creepy to female employees), use corporate jargon until the questioner goes away. New words work best, e.g. "Insynergization" and "Progressvitate".
3. Spread rumours about workplace rivals, the wilder and more sexually suggestive the better. Then watch as people turn against them out of jealousy or disgust.
2. Whenever possible, get somebody else to do your work for you. This is called "delegating" and is an essential skill of upper management. You really think anybody important ever got to where they are by wasting time getting anything for themselves?
1. It's not what you know or who you know, it's what you know about who you know. Blackmail is the bullet train of promotion.

Final Note: If you need to buy a "Self Help" book, you are not, in actual fact, helping yourself. Now stop being such a loser and get out there and hospitalize someone!

Friday, August 20, 2010

How to Win Board Games & Friends

Next time you're losing Monopoly, shout "DEATH STAR!!!!!" and destroy the board.

Nobody likes a sore loser... but EVERYBODY loves a creative solutioner.




Note 1: Yes, this works for any game.
Note 2: This works better/is more impressive the more maniacal your maniacal laugh is.

A Common Problem



The Death Star is a lot like having sex with Darth Vader:

It's cold, it fires quickly, usually only fires once and there's a lot of anger, tears and recriminations afterwards.

Priceless

 

Building a Death Star: $7 trillion.

Annual Wages: $960 million.

Keeping the Galaxy safe by blowing up evil planets:
Priceless.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Twitter's 8 Greatest Supervillains

Whilst we were flattered by TIME Magazine's decision to honour Darth Vader as one of the "Top 5 Twitter Accounts Filled With Evil Genius", we were equally disturbed to see a secretary and a superhero make the same list.

It's time to set things right. I mean, an evil secretary? Come on. You can do better than that. Here are the top eight actual supervillains you need to follow right now. Seriously, if you ever want to see your [Circle appropriate: hamster/chocolate bar/husband] again, you'd better do it.
 



1. Darth Vader
The most iconic hero of this or any other age, the original man in black, Lord Vader sometimes takes time out from his busy schedule to tweet about the latest happenings in the Galaxy Far, Far Away. 
SAMPLE: "Just rolled over & hit the fire button instead of snooze. Right now millions of people are wishing I had gone to bed earlier."



 
2. Lord Voldemort
A lot of you know He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed as the guy who hates Harry Potter. What you might not know is that he also hates other things too, like bad grammar, Kanye West and... well, people generally.
SAMPLE: "For those watching the meteor shower tonight, if you happen to see a Dark Mark in the sky don't panic. Haha I'm kidding, definitely Panic."


3. Stewie Griffin
So much evil in such a small body, Stewie is the original Terror Baby.
SAMPLE: "Whenever Meg feels depressed I always lend a hand. A backhand."



4. Cobra Commander
CC is a busy man. Between social functions and trying to take over the world, it's amazing he has any time to tweet at all. What a guy.
SAMPLE: "Aghhhh it's so hot outside. The hood was a bad choice."
 

5. BP Global PR
Not a supervillain, you say? We don't see any other evil organisations trying as hard to destroy your planet at the moment, do you?
SAMPLE: "They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. We like pelicans and dolphins better already. #bpcares #doesntapplytowives"


6. Emperor Palpatine
The boss. Easily the funniest person on Twitter who would kill us in a heartbeat if we didn't say nice things about him.
SAMPLE: I see @darthvader is complaining about my Farmville addiction again. At least I don't have Crazy Frog playing in my helmet all day.



7. The Joker
Gotham's Clown Prince of Crime is all about the jokes. And the occasional murder.
SAMPLE: I love it when people put their heart into things, but I love it much more when I put peoples hearts into things, like meat grinders!!

  


8. Depressed Darth
This is Vader after hours, after the cameras have stopped rolling and after quite a few drinks. Like, a lot.
SAMPLE: Supposedly, after Obi-Wan killed Darth Maul he sent an email to Palpatine saying "there's a sale at the maul, everything is half off."

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Luke & Leia: The Truth

You are about to be exposed to the truth about sordid details in the private lives of some of the Rebel Alliance's most prominent figures. The documentary footage that you are about to see may sicken you. It may even shock you.

The Rebel Alliance doesn't want you to see this but we know what you want. You want the truth. You can handle the truth.


Thanks to the brave truthwarriors at Topless Robot for digging this up.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Star Wars Crawl



Today the Empire released its OFFICIAL version of the Star Wars Episode IV crawl, free of all Rebel propaganda. Finally, the true story can be told...

Watch it here or read the text version below:







EPISODE IV
A NEW HOPE

It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won a minor victory against the peacekeeping forces of the benevolent GALACTIC EMPIRE.

During the battle, dissident forces ambushed an Imperial facility on "Bring Your Children to Work Day", mercilessly killing everyone and stealing secret plans to the Empire's ultimate defensive weapon, the DEATH STAR, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet. But only if they really deserve it.

Pursued by the Empire's most heroic agent, the bold and enigmatic DARTH VADER, the terrorist leader Leia "Princess" Organa flees aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that could lead to the destruction of the Death Star, thereby endangering the freedom of the entire galaxy...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

City2Surftroopers

The PR Team would like to congratulate the 502nd Stormtrooper Legion for their participation in Sydney's "City 2 Surf" marathon today.


Affectionately referred to as "City2Surftroopers", the 502nd rigorously prepared for the event by releasing and then chasing down Rebel insurgents.

The 502nd would undoubtedly have won the race were it not for the appearance of a Rebel Running Faction, which they were forced to pursue and terminate before completing the race.

Well done, boys. Enjoy a well deserved Dark Cider at the beach this afternoon!


Photo by Steve Christo taken from: www.smh.com.au.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Enterprise

 
Yes, we're afraid of the Starship Enterprise but only because after the last time Captain Kirk visited we had to grant maternity leave to 47 women.

And a vending machine.



Don't ask.

Lego

We were pointed to this amazing series of 102 Lego Star Wars photos (Click Me!) by @starwars on the Twitter.



Do yourself a favour and check them out. Love them. Bask in their awesomeness.


It's amazing how many of them accurately represent life in the Empire.