There was an error in this gadget

DSPR's Amazon Picks

Thursday, September 30, 2010

FAQ you!

Q: Have you ever wanted to F the Empire in the A?
Well now you can! By submitting a Q for our FAQ, of course! ...What did you think we meant?


It has come to our attention that the Galactic Empire's countless citizens, fans and well-wishers occasionally have concerns grave doubts fears post-traumatic night terrors questions about the Empire, your great and benevolent leaders, or even the PR team itself.

Because our government is nothing if not a totalitarian dictatorship ruled through fear and violence completely transparent and accountable to you, the people, Emperor Palpatine has ordered asked us to pick the best/funniest/most interesting questions and respond to them in an Official and (totally) Honest FAQ (or OH FAQ!) to be posted on this blog at some point in the near future.

So please, posting any questions, queries or curiousities you may have about anything to do with the Galactic Empire in the comments section below and we'll do our best to answer as many of them as we can.

The good ones, that is.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Hero or Villain




There has never been a villain who wasn't the hero in their own story, or a hero who wasn't the villain in somebody else's.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Exterminate!




“Exterminate!” is actually Dalek for, “Farewell, noble sentient being! My laser hug ray will help you ascend to a higher spiritual plane!”

Other Death Stars, Other Planets


One decision can change a life, but some decisions can change Galaxies.


After the jump is a Star Wars fan fiction piece set in an alternative universe where some things are familiar and others, very different.

It started as a thought experiment and a bit of fun. If you get through it, let me know what you think in the comments below. I'm interested to see if anybody can guess the decision that changed the Galaxy (I'm sure you're up to the challenge).


Saturday, September 25, 2010

9 Reasons Why It Would Suck to Be An Ewok



Everyone knows Ewoks are evil miniature hellbears who enjoy nothing more than using their cute appearance to lure unsuspecting people into their forest traps and bludgeoning them to death using rudimentary tools before feasting on their tenderised flesh.

But there probably are a few downsides to being a killer teddy bear. Here are nine reasons why it would suck to be an Ewok:


9. Height restrictions suck! Only allowed on the children's rides at Disneyland. Also not allowed to operate most heavy machinery.

8. People occasionally confuse you for a koala, when you clearly descend from the drop bear family.

7. Difficult to get the girls - ladies don't like dating guys who are shorter than them.

6. Even if you do get the girl, she will probably be an Ewok and, let's be honest, they're not great lookers.

5. C-3PO would be just about the shittiest god I could possibly imagine.

4. All that fur makes Summer a real bitch. Don't even get me started on waxing that bikini line.

3. The language barrier makes it difficult for humans to distinguish between Ewok for "You look nice today" and "Holy fucking shit, watch out for that AT-ST!"

2. Tendency to be cast as comedy sidekicks in action sequences, even if you secretly have the ability to absolutely and inexplicably decimate the technically and numerically superior invading force using a couple of logs and some stones.

1. People find it difficult to take you seriously when your name is Wicket and you don't wear pants.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Psychological Warfare

Everyone knows you don't mess with Darth Vader. He can kill you with a lightsaber. He can kill you with the Force. He can even kill you with his bare robotic hand. But he's not all about the killing. Sometimes he's about the psychological warfare:


Bottom line: You don't mess with Darth Vader.

We didn't create this image. If anybody knows the original source, please let us know.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Atheism

The Pope is right: atheism is as evil as Nazism, if not worse.

Sure, you atheists haven't quite gotten around to the book burning, starting of world wars or genocidal holocausts yet but it's only a matter of time.



Now be logical for once: do what the Pope's invisible sky friend says and take a stand against gender equality, contraception and gay people.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Facebook

In our ongoing effort to keep the Galaxy up-to-date on all the great things the Empire is doing for you, the people, you can now find the Death Star PR team on Facebook.

The Facebook page will have feature the "Best" of our Twitter updates, as well as notifications of blog updates and any Galactic Empire-related links worth sharing.

Go, minions. Join the page, tell your friends. Whoever signs the most people up gets a cookie.

(Not So) Super Mario

The Super Mario Bros. game recently celebrated its 25th Anniversary. In our ongoing quest to debunk the mythology surrounding certain people the general public inexplicably consider "heroes", the Death Star PR Team sent a few birthday messages to Mario:

Super Mario flees the scene of the latest in a series of malicious fire bombings.

Happy 25th Birthday Super Mario! You showed fat plumbers everywhere they could home invade somebody's castle and kidnap their stuck up house guest.

How does a guy like Super Mario even meet an upwardly mobile Princess from another dimension? Four words: "High-powered telephoto lens."

After years of Magic Mushroom substance abuse, Mario frequently experiences vivid hallucinations in which he, a fat middle aged Italian plumber, flies through outer space and talks to stars.

After 25 years of relentlessly pursuing the Princess, mercilessly slaughtering anyone who gets in his way, Mario's next game will be "Super Mario Prison Galaxy."


Hey Super Mario, how many times do you have to "rescue" the Princess from another guy before you realise she's just not that into you?

Mario's modus operandi is to jump on people's (particularly turtle's) heads so hard they explode, then stealing the coins from their wallet. Above: the Ninja Turtles meet Mario... and a gruesome fate. Image via www.geekstir.com.


Who are you going to believe: Super Mario, a plumber who lives (and wears matching outfits) with his brother; or Bowser, a guy with a wife, kids, a great job and SEVEN FUCKING CASTLES?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Five (Mostly) Non-Evil Ways to Improve Twitter



On the day of Twitter's rollout of its new design, details of which can (kind of) be found here: http://twitter.com/newtwitter, the Death Star PR team put its minds to brainstorming a few ways to improve the tweeting experience:


  1. "Best of" List - allow users to select a small number of tweets that best represent them (5? 10? 20?) and what their account is about. This would give other users the opportunity to decide very quickly if they think someone is worth following.
  2. Conversation Stitch - allow users to "stitch" two or more timelines together so they can see a conversation in its entirety without having to flick between pages.
  3. @Message Removal - give users a button that allows them to switch between viewing another person's page with or without messages directed to other users if they choose, thus making it easier to get past the personal chatter and on to the messages meant for general consumption.
  4. Faster Scrolling - it would be fantastic if more messages could be viewed per page or scrolling down someone's page could be made speedier. The long wait between screen loads when you're going through past messages can be painful.
  5. Embed a subliminal message that makes Justin Bieber, Twilight and Paris Hilton fans kill themselves. Okay fine, just the Bieber fans. Failing that, at least ban them all. Failing that... well, let's just say we don't need much of a reason to fire up the Death Star's main laser.
Oh, and Twitter? Next time you do an ad for your product, please: less supremely cool hipster lifestyle documentary, more actual content information.

So that's it. What do you think? Let us know in the comments below.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Present of A Lifetime

It's my birthday! And to celebrate, I'M giving YOU a present, because that's how kind and generous and wonderful we are here in the Galactic Empire's PR Division.

This could be the most valuable present you are ever given, so print it out, but don't be selfish - pass it on.


Oh, one piece of advice: don't get cocky. Even without the Force, Lord Vader still has the power to bust you down to cleaning duty in the trash compactors on J-Deck.

The Empire Needs You: Propaganda Posters

A few people on the Twitter sent us a link to some absolutely amazing Star Wars propaganda posters designed by the ridiculously talented comic illustrator Cliff Chiang.

You can find his website, along with a detailed and genuinely interesting discussion of the creative process behind these images, here: http://cliffchiang.com/

However, just for the record Cliff, it is completely untrue that, "The only way [the Galactic Empire] could recruit is by presenting a very romanticized image of the Empire and service." We also use intimidation, bribery, brutality and a Galaxy-wide web of deceit.

Without further ado, starting with our favourite:

 
You can find a few more, including posters for the dastardly Rebel Alliance where we first saw them here.

Thanks to Cliff for giving us permission to post these!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Death Star Poetry 2


Freedom is wasted on the free,
Who only use it to watch more TV.
It's the poor and oppressed
Who appreciate it best -
The dream of sweet liberty.

This poem brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Intentions


The road to hell is paved with good intentions.


Ergo, the road to heaven is paved with bad ones.

Commemorative

Dear Luke,

We ordered these exclusive commemorative Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Star Wars figurines just for you:


No need to thank us.


Yours friendlily,
The Death Star PR Team.


Another project from the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Friday, September 10, 2010

God is Love

People who won't change their religious views after you very rationally burn their holy books and racially stereotype them are such unreasonable dicks.

If we in the Galactic Empire have learned anything from our dealings with the Rebel Scum, err... I mean, Rebel Leaders, it's that talking rationally in an attempt to put aside misunderstandings and misconceptions in order to find mutually beneficial solutions to problems is RIDICULOUS.

Pastor Terry Jones of the Gainsville Dove World Outreach Centre is right!


The one and ONLY way to convince people of how wrong they are (and how morally superior your clearly correct religious beliefs make you in comparison to their backwards superstitious magictalk) is to be intolerant, idiotic and aggressive towards them until they realise why they're wrong.

Of course, if against all reason that tactic fails, you can always just kill them all. This is a surefire way to please your benevolent God of choice and add bonus points to your Afterlife Rewards Scheme.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Darth Vader: Behind the Mask


Darth Vader: you know him as the Dark Lord of the Sith, He-Who-Brought-Balance-to-the-Force, Twitter royalty, hero to billions and perhaps the greatest icon of our time. But what is the man behind the mask behind the legend really like?
Death Star PR finds out.

DSPR: Lord Vader, thank you for taking the time to talk to us, we understand that you’re a very busy man.
DV: You may dispense with the pleasantries, PR lackey. I’ve just traced the rebels to their hidden base on Hoth. My skivvies are warming in the dryer as we speak. Fire away (no pun intended) before the buzzer sounds.

DSPR: You’ve taken to Twitter like a Jedi to failing. What do you enjoy most about interacting with your legions of fans?
DV: The chance to strike fear into the hearts of the denizens of this backwater little world one-on-one. There really is nothing like force-choking someone via a 140 character text message. The marriage proposals are nice too.

DSPR: Your fans number over 200,000. What do you put your popularity down to?
DV: I like to think it’s my unwavering commitment to the Dark Side, but the ladies know the real reason. The black leather, the heavy breathing, my command of the Force. I have these things in evil spades and they’re the same reason that girl you liked so much in high school didn’t give you the time of day. She was pining for Fonzie, while you were busy being Richie Cunningham.

DSPR: When you’re not tweeting or killing people how do you spend your time?
DV: I search the galaxy for my whiny-ass son, make back-room deals with turncoat scoundrels and do the occasional voice over work for CNN and TomTom to pay the bills.

DSPR: For some strange reason, some people seem to think of you as a bad guy. How do you respond to that kind of negativity?
DV: Just because I slaughtered all those Sand People and younglings people seem to think I’m this big baddie. Let me just say for the record they all had it coming, especially those lackey admirals that litter the floor around the Death Star cafeteria. It’s so hard to find good help these days.

DSPR: What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about you?
DV: People seem to think I do what I do out of anger, and let’s be honest, a lot of it I do. But what I’m really all about is simply bringing order to a chaotic galaxy. You have to have rules or society degenerates into a bunch of Mon Calamari with boom boxes on your lawn at 3am. All I’m doing is keeping the squid in their place, try and remember that.

DSPR: This question’s from Jake, 12, on Bespin, who asks, “What’s it like being the 2 I.C. of the Galactic Empire?”
DV: It’s pretty cushy, Jake. I get to work my own hours, hunt down Jedi dogs for fun and intimidate entire plants, like yours, into submission. Hope you’re enjoying the new tax on those Bespin Burgers I levied. Your dad just paid to have my cape cleaned and pressed. How does that feel?
DSPR: You wear so many hats, or should we say “helmets”. What aspect of your job do you enjoy the most?
DV: The inescapable fact that people love everything that comes out of my asthmatic mouth. Even the simplest words such as “What?!”, “Sister!” and my all-time favorite “NOOOooooooooo!” become legendary. It’s good to be me.

DSPR: What advice would you give to any young people out there with a dream in their eye and evil in their heart hoping to follow in your footsteps?
DV: Start small, a journey of a thousand dead rebels begins with one step. Bully a school mate into giving you his lunch money or take your friend’s football and go home. Work your way up by downloading songs and movies off bittorrent and before you know it, you’ll be my new Dark Apprentice.

DSPR: As someone who is an inspiration to others, who, or what, inspires you?
DV: Truth be told, Obi Wan used to inspire me a great deal. He was my master after all. I learned a great deal from him before he got all soft and holier than thou. I really didn’t blink a scarred eye when I sent him to join the Force. Nowadays I get lots of inspiration from this planet’s so-called ‘entertainment’. Between the Twilight saga and Jersey Shore there’s no shortage of evil in the world.

DSPR: Being the most powerful Force user in the Galaxy must be great. What’s the most fun thing you’ve used or abused the Force for?
DV: Mind tricks never get old. Let’s just say I never have to wait in lines at restaurants, sporting events or major theme parks. I’m like one big, evil Fast Pass.

DSPR: You’ve led a very full life. Any regrets?
DV: Just that whole force choking and accidentally killing Padmé thing. If I could go back, that entire incident could have gone a lot better I think. Yeah.

DSPR: Finally, tell us something about Darth Vader that most people wouldn’t know.
DV: Evil skivvies dry faster than normal. My shuttle awaits, and your time is up. This has been a pleasure and an honour for you, I know.
DSPR: That goes without saying, my Lord, but just in case not saying it would result in a Force Choke - it’s been a pleasure and an honour chatting with you, Lord Vader. Thank you for your time.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Stormtroopers 365

Ever wanted to know what a year in the life of a Stormtrooper might be like? Thanks to Stéfan, a dedicated photographer embedded with the 498th Legion's TK-455 and TK-479, the Galactic Empire is proud to present 365 majestic photos.

Inspect the full collection here: http://stormtroopers365.com/


They really are absolutely brilliant, so go see them. Go now. If you want to see a whole bunch of them collected on two pages, go here.

Happy Father's Day

The next time you're forced by societal norms to go looking for a crappy gift for your father to "celebrate" Father's Day, we offer instead the following classic Father's Day prank:

You will need:
1 x Official-looking Document
1 x Finely-tuned sense of humour
A willingness to commit to the role

The set-up:
1. With your official-looking document firmly in hand, storm into your house shouting, "Mum! Dad! Get in here now!" [Stage 1 Tip: Sound enraged and outraged in equal parts.]
2. When your father enters the room and asks, "What's going on?" reply, "Mum told me everything. I did a paternity test! You're not my dad!" [Stage 2 Tip: Real tears in your eyes are a real bonus here.]


The punchline:
If he has a heart attack, you've done it right.

Bazinga!

SWGWB


There's an old saying on the Death Star — I know it's in Tatooine, probably on the Death Star — that says, blow us up once, shame on — shame on you. Blow us — you can't get blown up again.


Words to live by.

Image from: http://www.themanwhobroketheworld.com/

Friday, September 3, 2010

T-Shirt: Carpe Rebellis

Good news, everyone!

The Death Star's PR Team is proud to release our first t-shirt: "Carpe Rebellis".


Buy it. Force everyone you know to buy it. Wear it with pride.

Edit: By order of Darth Vader, "Carpe Rebellis" is now also available in more fitting bad guy black.

White t-shirt.
Black t-shirt.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

See a Doctor




Does your child:
  • Play with his "lightsaber" incessantly?
  • Whine about having to do simple chores?
  • Take instructions from the voices (particularly of old men) in his head?
  • Seem disturbingly attracted to siblings?
The chances are extremely likely that s/he could be a Jedi.

Seek help before it's too late. Consult a medical professional immediately.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.