Video surveillance taken from Currys, an Earth Electronics megastore last night revealed shocking footage of the Rebel Alliance's most famous droids, C-3PO and R2-D2, committing a variety of serious offences including Break and Enter and Malicious Property Damage.
Given that R2-D2 and C-3PO are extremely outdated models, aged at least 40 and 20+ years respectively, it is hardly surprising that the droids have become dangerous.
Perhaps even more worryingly, a source close to the droids has revealed that C-3PO was made out of spare parts by a child on a backward desert planet and would therefore never have been subject to the standard safety checks required by law for all droids.
But what has triggered this "Thelma and Louise" style crime spree? Some say a lovers tiff, others suggest that R2 might just be going through a mid-life crisis. More sinister is the possibility that the droids are evil and have been biding their time for decades, waiting for their masters to remove their restraining bolts in order to wreak bloody vengeance upon mankind.
One thing is for certain: R2-D2 and C-3PO should be considered armed and dangerous. If you see either of the robotic felons, do not approach or attempt to apprehend them. Contact your local Stormtrooper Legion immediately. The Death Star will then be dispatched to your location directly.
Unsurprisingly, the Rebel Alliance could not be reached for comment.
On the Twitter on Sunday we asked a simple, innocent question: "You guys, what's the best way to get blood and memories out of a Giorgio Armani suit?"
Apparently the people of Earth have a lot more experience in blood spatter removal than we would have thought because the replies flooded in.
Below are our ten favourite answers:
10. Google it. (via _Age_) 9. Blowing up a small, defenseless planet. And a little bit of vinegar. (via Luarien) 8. Soak that suit in a baptismal font of baby tears. (via Serveyoursoul) 7. Put the suit on Yoda and throw them both in a blender... Oh wait. Hmm... at least the memories (and your nemesis) will be gone. (via Jb_Paris) 6. White wine SHOULD treat both the blood and the memories. (via Catavich) 5. Plenty of peroxide on the suit (rinse lightly) and plenty of tequila in the system with a roofie... works every time. Suit first. (via Momofed) 4. Mix a little vinegar with the blood and tears of a member of the Rebel Alliance. And remember - dab, don't rub. (via Brock_) 3. Actually I know a place! There's this great dry cleaners on Alderaan, oh wait... (via MarkeeMarker) 2. Throw some wires and LEDs in there and sell it to jawas. (via the boss, helpful as always - Lord Palpatine)
1. PLUNGERS. They usually leave the SUBJECT as a dry HUSK. But memories are extracted EASILY. YOU should get a PLUNGER ASWELL. PLUNGERS also aid in declogging HUMAN TOILETS. (via DalekPR)
In news that will shock none of the loyal citizens of the Galactic Empire, Princess Leia Organa, aka. Leia "the Stormtrooper Slayer" Skywalker, aka. Carrie Fisher, publicly admitted yesterday that she took vast quantities of drugs whilst stationed on the Ice Planet, Hoth.
Whilst Imperial sources have long suspected that substance abuse was rife amongst the dissident forces hiding throughout the Galaxy, Leia's announcement marks the first time a high-ranking terrorist leader has conceded there was any truth to such claims.
'Hoth was bad, really bad,' said a source close to Organa. 'The snow outside wasn't the problem, it was the abundance of "ice" in Han's smuggling compartments on the Millenium Falcon that really did the damage. Once Leia started, she just couldn't stop.'
Anonymous Rebel whistleblowers describe seeing the Princess covered from head-to-toe in white powder, which they believed to be snow until her erratic behaviour proved otherwise. During her purportedly 72-hour long drug binges, Organa exhibited an insatiable sexual appetite and was prone to sudden outbursts of explosive violence, often combining the two in debauched public sex acts.
Showing just how far she fell during this dark period, the disgraced ex-socialite and media darling stated, 'I didn’t even like coke that much, it was just a case of getting on whatever train I needed to take to get high.' She went on to add, ‘Slowly I realised I was doing a bit more drugs than other people and losing my choice in the matter.'
Although Leia was quick to declare that her drug addiction was a thing of the past, Imperial news outlets remain sceptical, given her bizarre choice of hairstyle and outrageously indecent public attire.
Picture: Princess Leia Organa attended cocktail night at Jabba's Palace on Tatooine in nothing more than a bikini made of gold. One eyewitness said, "She was all over Jabba all night. It was as if she was chained to him. In fact, I'm pretty she was literally chained to him."
The stunning revelations raise grave concerns for the few remaining supporters of the Rebel Alliance and heavily undermine the moral foundations of the entire Rebellion.
What other acts of depravity do the Rebel Alliance get up to in their hidden bases? Did creepy old hobo and self-professed "magician" Obi Wan Kenobi really spend most of his adult years "watching over" a young Luke Skywalker? Does Chewbacca ever bathe? And what is the true nature of the "friendship" between robotic life partners, C3-PO and R2-D2?
Death Star PR will bring you the answers to these questions as they come to light.
Lord Palpatine: you know him as the benevolent ruler of the Galactic Empire, a man who works tirelessly for the happiness and security of every citizen. Death Star PR goes behind the Force lightning in an exclusive one-on-one interview with the charismatic leader, visionary and self-made Galaxy-trotting playboy trillionaire.
DSPR: Emperor Palpatine, thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to chat with us. EP: I needed a break from Vader's moaning. There's a limit to how many times even I can hear the name "Padmé" in one day without electrocuting someone.
DSPR: You've come a long way since Naboo. To what do you ascribe your success? EP: Hard work, grit, electrocutions and a few cases of throwing people from high places.
DSPR: Having achieved so much in such a short space of time, what are you proudest of? EP: I once beat Lord Vader in a game of mini golf. Every moment you make a Sith Lord cry is a moment to be proud of.
DSPR: What are the best things about benevolently ruling a Galactic Empire? EP: Knowing that everyone fears me being without my leadership. Knowing that everyone follows my command, even when they think they defy me. Knowing... we... shall have... peace. Eventually. I guess.
DSPR: Some people have described the Empire as "an oppressive and ruthless totalitarian government". How would you respond to that kind of criticism? EP: Give me the name of the planet they reside on, and I will answer them personally with one swift stroke.
DSPR: One of your first totally legal and Senate-supported actions was to pass Order 66 and rid the Galaxy of the Jedi menace. Why did you feel so strongly about that issue? EP: You said it yourself, the Jedi were a menace to me our galaxy. Let's face it, they represented a system that just didn't work. I mean, the old Republic allowed for Jar-Jar Binks to be acting Senator. How could I *not* act against that?
DSPR: You make a good point. As we speak, there are Rebel insurgents working to sabotage everything you've created. What would you say to them if you could? EP: Sending them a message would be pointless, they are blind to anything but their own way. Unable to adapt to a new, richer, way of life. To anyone considering joining the Rebels, I have one thing to say: Alderaan.
DSPR: It's a lot of people's dream to work with their best friend and heterosexual life partner. What's it really like working with Darth Vader? EP: If you had asked me 11 years ago, I would have said we have a great working relationship, where I lay the plans and he executes them. But now... let's just say I'm glad I installed a mute button on his chest plate.
DSPR: A lot of independently wealthy visionaries seem to be building secret base/doomsday weapons these days. What inspired you to build the Death Star? EP: The Death Star was built out of necessity. We needed it to protect our way of life. To spread the word of unity and peace throughout the galaxy. Look at your lawn. Do you kill the weeds? Of course you do, because it doesn't blend well with the rest of the garden. The Death Star is our weed killer.
DSPR: A lot of people don't know much about the Force. Can you tell us about some of the perks of the Dark Side? EP: As I have said before, being in tune with the Force, and particularly the Dark Side, saves you a ton on electricity bills. Another benefit is that people will agree with you no matter what you say, even when they don't know it themselves.
DSPR: Phillip, 14, from Coruscant asks, "What's a typical day for you like?" EP: It involves a lot of throne chair revolving and hand clapping.
DSPR: Phillip is just one of countless legions of fans. For all your young fans out there dreaming of the chance to work with you, what do you look for in an apprentice? EP: S/he must be easily manipulated, weak minded and/or mentally vulnerable. There's a reason I'm currently on Earth. So many to choose from. Now let me explain, the reason they have to be weak minded is *not* that I can't break down the strong ones, but it's simply to save time. Once they're broken down completely, we can build the apprentice from the ground up, in my image.
DSPR: Ingenious, my Lord. Your name is synonomous with things like "Death Star", "maniacal laughter" and "Force lightning" but there's so much more to Lord Palpatine. Tell us a bit about the real you. EP: What most people don't know about me is that I have a very big heart. I keep it in a jar. In addition to that I like history. That's why I spend some time here on Earth watching what they call "Star Wars". I like to call it "Emperor Palpatine, or how I learned to stop wasting time and start loving the Death Star."
DSPR: Emperor Palpatine, thank you for your time and not using the Force to destroy us. EP: There's still time for that.
Taking a moment from being pure evil to share this Rebel Propaganda music video with you. It's a song called "Tatooine" by Jeremy Messersmith with a fantastic 2D paper animated video clip by Eric Power, which summarises the best bits of the original Star Wars trilogy.
Be warned, Imperials: the video contains disturbing imagery of the Death Star being blown up by a lone X-Wing and a fight to the death between Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader. Fear not, these are clearly nothing but the demented fantasies of the Rebellion's PR Department.
All credit for bringing this to our attention must go to the topless robots at Topless Robot, the best earth-based nerd-based website in this or any other galaxy.
Finally, because we know you are by nature an indolent lot: you can find Jeremy Messermith's website here, Eric Power's website here and download the song for an amount of your choice here.
Yesterday on the Twitter David Hoang started a Hipster Star Wars tag. Some of the results were hilarious.
We thought we'd honour it by giving you the highlights of the greatest independent movie trilogy never to be made: Hipster Star Wars. Below you can find a link to the official opening crawl for the first film and the ten best quotes from the trilogy.
A long time ago when everything was cooler in a galaxy far, far away that's way too exclusive for you to have heard about...
And now, our take on the "top" 10 "quotes" from the trilogy. Feel free to like them ironically or whatever:
10.Sure, the Force is strong with him but can he beat my top score on Super Mario Bros 3 NES?- Emperor Palpatine 9.Yeah, the Cantina scene was cool, but that bar serves expensive imports and I only drink PBR. - Luke Skywalker (via @DepressedDarth) 8.Join me and together I guess we can rule the Galaxy and stuff... or whatever. - Darth Vader 7.I'd participate in Hipster Star Wars but everyone is doing it now. - Emperor Palpatine (via @LordPalpatine) 6.Mainstream society's acceptance? Shoes? A hipster Jedi craves not these things. - Yoda 5.The Empire? Yeah, their first Death Star was okay, but a SECOND Death Star? So five years ago. - Han Solo 4.Meh the Force be with you... or whatever. - Obi Wan Kenobi (via @bonniegrrl) 3. Leia: I love your scarf. Han: I know. (via @TheSlush) 2.I joined the Empire before it was cool to go Dark Side. - Grand Moff Tarkin 1.I liked Admiral Ackbar before he knew there was a trap. - Mon Motha (via @DavidHoang)